Sunday, August 27, 2006
a spoilt yesterday
like everyone else, i have my bad days. yesterday was one of them. it was over really silly stuff i suppose but it really made me upset and i wanted people to talk to. see ann tried and i do thank her for that. it's just that i didn't know what was wrong with me till i prayed before i slept.
everytime i'm upset, i try to stand back up as fast as i can and be happy despite wanting to cry so badly. i guess it's cos i'm so used to standing alone and having only myself to lean on. i don't trust people to stick with me through my troubles cos they only know how to watch me and not help me. been a bit more open these past two years i guess but am still very cautious about the things i tell people. yes, i know i have God but there are the days when i don't feel like talking to Him because i know what He's doing and i don't like it. haha. i seem like a small kid sulking. luckily, my God is bigger than that to withstand all my tantrums. thanks God!!
ok, let me tell everything from the beginning. leanne told me that she's been looking for a new home church and she's been praying about it. so i was like a bit unhappy when she told me that ages ago. i don't like change. i usually find it hard cos i've had really bad experiences with it. but as she hadn't decided at that time, i was still ok. then last week, when i went to the planet shakers church, she said that she'd decided that she's gonna make planet shakers city church her home church. i was like ok. my heart was feeling it but i didn't wanna make her feel bad so i smiled everything through.
she asked me to pray for her as she was gonna tell everyone in our cell group. i was like ok. again, upset but am doing my very best to hide it and stop it from making me cry. ok, i confess. i wasn't THAT overjoyed about her going. in fact, i wasn't that enthusiastic about praying for her either but cos she's my friend, i did so. almost every night and whenever i remembered. but all that prayer didn't change the way i felt. i was upset and i was hiding it from myself.
on friday, reality hit me on the face. she announced to everyone. yes, i was happy for her. yes, i know if that's where God wants her to go, i'm not to hold her back. but what i didn't understand was why it couldn't be later. why couldn't it be after i really got used to this church and got to know the people? i still feel like a stranger in that church. sobs. so during worship, i actually had tears flowing down my cheeks. but i tried my best to wipe them away and stop myself from sobbing uncontrollably and make leanne upset. still, just being in God's presence made me let the tears flow. although i was still holding in my flood of tears, God let the little trickle of tears rolled down my face. this always happen whenever i'm upset and busy hiding it from myself. and i would do it so well that i'd know there's something wrong with me but i don't know what. then, i'd be in the presence of God and i'll be crying like non-stop. that's the reason why sometimes when i'm upset, i don't wanna be close to God cos i know i don't wanna cry. i wanna stay "strong and happy" but who was i kidding? i knew i was unhappy and so did God.
"Where can i go from Your spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?...even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me fast."
~Psalm 139:7,10~
like said in that psalm above, God was definitely holding me tight. He coaxed the tears out of me yesterday after a whole day of being distracted and not being me. I had a partially good cry. still have some of it in my heart. why, you might ask, am i so upset because leanne was changing church? it's not a big deal, i know.
the truth is that i was just being stupid. i thought that eversince i came to Australia, God isn't gonna take away people anymore. but He did to heal me from my past. and i know it alhough i wasn't happy about it. He wants me to learn to lean on Him and not others. He wants me to know that my security is in Him and not others. and also, He wants me to love the family of God at crossway and get to know them. He wants me to not be afraid of getting to know people. i usually am cos of the things i've been through. i may know many people on the outside and seem to be able to click easily but the truth is that i do not show people what's inside me. they tend to tell me things but i never do share back. i'm just scared. scared of history repeating itself. but now i know, He's holding me fast and leading me. God, i'm holding You to that promise in that verse! I'm claiming that verse over my life!!
thanks so much to all who have tried and thanks to God especially. sorry if i seem really silly. i'm just a baby at heart. haha. God pampers me XD!! ok, love you guys and god bless.
"Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will hardship, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 8:35,17-39~
Posted by grace :P at 4:05 pm