Friday, July 09, 2010
If anyone asks, I'll tell them we just grew apart
Here I am again, unloading my thoughts.
(1) My head hurts. I believed I've inhaled enough of paint to have isocyanate poisoning this week. Some of my clothes are even smelling like paint. So, I've been giving myself days off. Either that or get addicted to paint.
(2) School's starting again. Haven't studied much. I suppose, I've done a lot more in a week than I did in a month of holidays. But then again, it's exactly what I tell Omphile: Four years crammed into four months. God, help me to pass.
(3) Back to Frankston. Feeling a little lonely again. Doesn't help when I'm hiding in my room and trying to concentrate on studying.
(4) 4th year dilemma. If I pass, I'll achieve something that I've never exactly done before, which is start something with a group of people and finish it together. Well, that's if I pass 5th year but 4th year is harder. One of my dreams at the moment is to graduate with good grades and stand proudly next to all my beloved friends. If I study hard, I'll get to do that. But on the other hand, as time goes by, I truly dread the day when my friends fly back to Malaysia. We'll be parting forever and to be honest, it's the first time I've had a group of such close friends. I'm also not confident I can find such a group again. If I ever do, it'll be with much effort and difficulty. Not cool
(5) Can I say that I'm struggling with my grades because I truly dislike being smart or whatever? And that whenever I do osces, I always fail to find the right words because such attention on me has never been good in the past. So, it's like I'm trying so hard to fight my past instead of trying to do my best for the exam. Tell me how to solve this please.
(6) If I say I'm not stress, don't believe it. I'm clenching my teeth subconsciously each night as I fall asleep. I'm beginning to fall back to my old habits. Talking to myself non-stop. Imagining that people from the past are invading the present and are aiming to hurt me again. I waste more time drowning in the what ifs than immersing myself in my studies to cope with the present. Can someone save me?
I'm going back to reality now. If there's confusion when you're reading this, please note that it's probably what I'm feeling too. I'm just typing whatever comes to mind. Now, amongst all these confusing thoughts, I shall shove notes on schizophrenia. Hope life's better for you.
Posted by grace :P at 9:13 pm